*Dusts off cobwebs*

Who let this blog get this way? It needs a good tidy and some vacuuming. Personally, I blame Jipster.

Yes, I have returned after something of a gap, out of fear that Jipster will do as she has threatened so many times and post the Bucket Picture. The reason I have not posted for so long is that not only have I been monumentally busy on the essay-writing production line, but because of this business I have had very little time to watch Woolvetty stuff, and I have also had no money to buy anything new. Tragic, I know.

I sent a slightly late present along to our favourite Jaimz in the world, and the Jipster and I have decided upon a new nickname for him as well - Scooter. We thought it was only fair since Gordon is called Fudgie. So Happy Thirty-Tenth Birthday, Scooter Woolvett, and I hope you had some fun.

Anyway, the sad news is that this really will be the last post for a while. As some of you may know, I have exams coming up, which means it is time for me to lock myself away in my room with a big pile of books and revise until information pours out of my ears and I have to wear earplugs to hold it in, thus rendering me even more antisocial because of this voluntary deafness. While I have faith that Jaimz's blessing still holds strong, I think it's a good idea to do some studying just in case, so I'm going offline in order to prevent any further distractions. I'll be back at the end of June, probably still alive.

Wish me luck! And don't do anything I wouldn't do.

The Ultimate Showdown

Nobody likes sibling rivalry. It's violent and vicious and it can get very messy. But who can argue with a little bit of friendly competition? And so, to answer the frequently asked question(coughperhapsthiscouldgointheFAQsectionJipstercough) of "Which Woolvett brother would win in a fight?" I have found a simple way of discovering this.

Monopoly.

Yes, Monopoly. The bestest, ancientest, most drawn-out board game in the history of the world (probably) and the only way of finding which brother is truly superior. I set up two AI's, each with their own characteristics and preferences based on the general nature of the two bros, and played them off against each other. And who won? Well, brace yourselves...


Yes, it's true. The winner was Jaimz. However, it must be pointed out that the final blow that financially scuppered poor Gordon was not landing on one of Jaimz's properties, but landing on the Income Tax square (damn, you, Income Tax!)

Happy New Year!

It's been a long, dreary while since my last post, I know. This is not my fault, but the fault of Jipster. As we know, most things are the fault of Jipster, even the things that superficially appear to have very little to do with Jipster.

Happily, I am one of the fortunate few in my year who have no exams this January, which allows to devote maximum time to the Woolvetts. Just before the New Year I was fortunate once again, for I took part in a chat (once again, the fault of Jipster) with Jaimz Woolvett, who is still a lovely chap, and who asserts that am dry, like smiling sand. Which I assume is a good thing.

Due to a mixture of stupidity, bad luck, and being awake for much longer than would have been feasible without caffeine pills, I made the mistake of going to bed a mere 50 minutes before the arrival of Gordon. He had emerged from a car accident and turned up anyway, apologising for his lateness (move over Daniel Craig, I think we have found the true blond Bond). I was really just glad to hear that he was OK. There may be many chats, but Gordon would prove rather difficult to replace. Of course, conspiracy nuts who believe that there is in fact only one Woolvett might be a little sceptical about the fact that the brothers unfortunately missed each other and could not be seen chatting simultaneously. Thank goodness I am not one of those people. Haha.

Incidentally, I bought a computer game the other day (it was 99p, and as a poor student I drool over anything thrifty) called House of the Dead (full of zombies, chainsaws, blood etc.) and discovered that the character I was playing was called Rogan (this being the name of Gordon's son). When I was winning I thought this was great, but I kept getting twinges of guilt/horror whenever poor Agent Rogan got KO'd by a zombie. Hmmm. Mixed feelings towards computer games now.

Nothing much else to mention, except that I've had a couple of university offers, which is always good news. It means that I can continue to be a poor student for another 3 years! After that I will have to settle for just being poor.

The Seventh Portal

What a find! After conducting my regular search for all things Woolvett on the web, I came across 22 beautifully crafted episodes of a certain series called The Seventh Portal. Honestly, I don't know much about cartoons, much less about superhero cartoons, so I will try not to pass too much judgement. Let's just say it's terrifically cheesy, but so much so that you can't help but laugh.

"What relevance does this have?" I hear some of you ask. Well, one of the characters is voiced by none other than our very own Gordon Woolvett. He plays a beta-tester called Peter Littlecloud who turns into a superhero called Thunderer (so-called because he yells a lot or something) and is transported to the alien world of Darkmoor to battle the evil tyrant Mongorr, who's threatening to take over Earth with his band of slimy minions etc.

I recognised Gord's voice right away, but sadly they didn't make his cartoon version look like him. Here he is as Peter:

And here he is as Thunderer:

Anyway, be sure to check this out. It's great fun, and Gord does great voice-acting! You can watch all the episodes right here:

http://www.stanleereturns.org/7thportal.php

Huzzah!

Well, for a long time we were certain that no pictures existed of the two Woolvett brothers together. We were wrong. It took a lot of checking and researching and investigating but I have finally ascertained that these are in fact the only Jaimz-Gordon pictures in the public domain. They are taken from an episode of Kung Fu: The Legend Continues, where the boys played two members of gang of mean people who rob a bank or something.

Of course, these two pictures disprove any wild conspiracy theories about there only being one Woolvett, who disguises himself to pretend he has a brother. Haha. Ahem.

Picture 1:

Picture 2:

These images courtesy of Harper's Bazaar.

Traduction, s'il vous plait...

A user-friendly guide to spreading the Woolvett love when abroad! Here's a collection of some useful phrases to use on your holiday, in order to let people know that you are a crazy, Woolvett-obsessed freak and they should run far, far away...

"Could you please direct me to the nearest Woolvett?"
French: Pouvez-vous me diriger vers le Woolvett le plus proche ?
Italian: Potete dirigerli verso il Woolvett più vicino?
German: Kannst du mich auf das nächste Woolvett verweisen?
Spanish: ¿Puedes dirigirme al Woolvett más cercano?
White Fang-ese: Woof grr-whine?

"My hobbies include Woolvett, Woolvett and Woolvett."
French: Mes passe-temps incluent Woolvett, Woolvett et Woolvett.
Italian: I miei hobby includono Woolvett, Woolvett e il Woolvett.
German: Meine Liebhabereien schließen Woolvett, Woolvett und Woolvett.
Spanish: Mis manías incluyen Woolvett, Woolvett y el Woolvett.
White Fang-ese: Grrr, woof-woof-woof!

"Don't make me tazer you, bitch."
French: Ne pas me faire le tazer vous, chienne.
Italian: Non rendermi il tazer voi, femmina.
German: Mich tazer nicht bilden du, Weibchen.
Spanish: No hacerme el tazer tú, perra.
White Fang-ese: Whine-grrr.

(For Moze) "Gordon/Jaimz just e-mailed me."
French: Gordon/Jaimz e-m'a juste expédié.
Italian: Gordon/Jaimz e-lo ha spedito appena per posta.
German: Gordon/Jaimz e-verschickte mich gerade.
Spanish: Gordon/Jaimz e-acaba deenviarme.
White Fang-ese: Woof!

"Time for a Woolvett marathon!"
French: Heure pour un marathon de Woolvett!
Italian: Tempo per una maratona di Woolvett!
German: Zeit für ein Woolvett Marathon!
Spanish: ¡Hora para un maratón de Woolvett!
White Fang-ese: Woof, woof!


Disclaimer: Any errors in grammar/conjugation/sense are the fault of crappy internet translating machines. I only got a GCSE in French, apart from that it's all Greek to me...

Woah, nostalgia trip

Been reminiscing recently about my early ventures into Woolvettism (like the name? I made it up myself) and the tricks I used to get up to. See, before Woolvett Bros, and even before my first meeting with Jips, I had very little Woolvett resources. I was a child of the 90s, and after the Power Rangers, the Spice Girls and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had been snatched cruelly away from me my the arrival of the 21st century, I had to find something new to obsess about.

I found Gord Woolvett (Jaimz came later; in the early days I had only caught a glimpse of his site and knew him only as "Gordon's beardy brother.") I used to search everywhere and anywhere for pictures, reviews and films. I would stay up until 3AM to watch Andromeda (I couldn't work the timer on the video machine) I would look forlornly at Bride of Chucky on a shelf in WHSmiths (I couldn't afford it and they wouldn't have sold it to me anyway). When looking for Clutch I even wrote to Tom Green, figuring he'd know where to find it. Apparently not.

"You know, i'm not really sure where it is either, if you find a copy let me know, i would like to see it as well.
Tom"

I never did send him a copy, poor chap.

It's been a long and arduous journey, but I loved every second of it. Even now, with shelves full of Woolvetty things, I look forward to future days of scouting for those wonderful, obscure, fracking hard-to-find Woolvett films that we all know and love.

I need to stop drinking...